Before I start, I want to say that this post is not coming from a place of judgement. I have been there. Just over two months ago, I was living with my boyfriend at the time; but the reason I feel compelled to share this is because I often wish I had heard these things from someone who had been there themselves. Everyone was quick to tell us why we shouldn’t move in together, but what could they REALLY know about it, not having been there themselves?
Here are some common reasons couples choose to move in together:
It makes more sense financially.
Ultimately…that’s why my ex and I moved in together. We were both coming up at the end of our leases and we spent so much time together anyway that it didn’t make sense to write two separate rent checks. I remember exactly where we were when he first mentioned it. It’s something I hadn’t thought about. I thought I was crazy just for the simple fact that it MADE SENSE. And sure enough, things fell into place within the next month. We had a beautiful three bedroom, two story home with a garage and a big yard. And I was SAVING money, (since I had lived alone before this.) The home was perfect in every way imaginable. And then before you know it, J got an amazing job offer hundreds of miles away, so we moved again. I left my job, my best friends, and my school, and didn’t think twice. That was how I knew to show my love for him. Putting him and his dreams first; knowing that meant putting mine on hold. Regardless, the point is, we now had a one bedroom apartment about 1/3 of the size of our current house, for almost double the rent. Hmm….financial peace is now off the table. Furthermore, financial STRESS was now a factor weighing on our relationship.
What I’m getting at, is that you all know how unpredictable life is. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Financial peace is certainly included. How many times have you finally gotten ahead of all your bills, got a cushion of extra money in your account, you’re feeling at ease…..and then you get a speeding ticket. Or a flat tire? Or your dog eats a flashlight and you have to rush him to the emergency vet hospital. Financial peace at our age isn’t not something to rely on. Stuff happens. And I promise you…the two months of financial peace no where compared to the 5 months of financial stress on our relationship.
I think that young adults have enough to worry about in relationships these days. I think that sharing financial responsibility is something that couple’s shouldn’t take on until marriage. And truly, if you’re not financially stable enough to be married, you shouldn’t be living together. Because as far as expenses go, there is little difference in cohabiting and living together once married.
Living together will be a great test of our relationship.
While I never used this excuse personally, I can see how it makes sense to some people. But if you really think about it, what is cohabitation? It’s when two people who are romantically involved choose to live together without making the formal commitment of marriage. So wouldn’t the better “test of your relationship” be waiting patiently and growing your love until you’re ready to make that formal commitment of marriage? Love isn’t measured by how much time you can spend together; if anything, I believe it’s quite the opposite. I think at our age, (early-mid twenties), a more accurate measure of the strength of one’s love is how much time you spend apart from your love.
We’re ready to take our relationship to the next level.
Why do you feel like you need to? In my opinion there should be only one “next level” in a relationship. And that’s getting engaged; making that commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone. Think about what you’re really agreeing to when you agree to move in together. If you’re a man, you’re being selfish. You’re telling your loved one “I cannot make the commitment to spend the rest of my life with you; I don’t know if I will ever be able to do that. But until I figure it out, I am asking you to assume the role of a wife in the meantime.” Women, you’re telling your loved one that he doesn’t have to put a ring on your finger and commit to you; that you’re willing to wake up every day and essentially play housewife just HOPING that he’ll see how great of a wifey you are and that’ll make him realize he wants to marry you. Like I said, I’m guilty too, y’all.
Here’s what no one tells you about living together before marriage:
- Whether it leads to marriage or not…you’re going to have beautiful memories to look back on. There’s something amazing about starting a new chapter in your life, and something even more amazing about writing that chapter with someone you love so deeply.
- You’re going to have some memories that aren’t so lovely to look back on. And you won’t revisit those memories as often. But they resurface. They tend to resurface in times of insecurity or weakness; should you ever find yourself in this place, I think it’s important to look back on these memories with a certain sense of appreciation. Appreciating the lessons you learned from them, and appreciating the opportunity to experience a love like you once had.
- Your relationship isn’t going to be the same as it was when you were dating. I know, “that’s the point” right? No, I’m talking about the different dynamic it has once you start living together. It’s not like the excitement of getting married. The “honeymoon phase”…that doesn’t last like it does in marriage. And do you realize why? It’s because you haven’t made that commitment before God that you will love this person as long as you live. You’re just doing it wrong. Before you even know how to truly love someone…you’re having to learn to love them DESPITE those little things they do that irritate the heck out of you. Not cleaning up after themselves, or not loading the dishwasher the right way. If you haven’t made the commitment to marry someone, you haven’t committed to choosing THEM every day. It’s hard, you guys. And as young as you are, you should be having fun with each other. Fighting about who put the empty egg carton back in the fridge can wait until you’re 60. Living together makes things unnecessarily complicated at times. Looking back, it would have been nice to avoid that.
- If your relationship happens to fail..you’ll never really know why. I promise you, you’ll never know the importance of closure until you’re not able to achieve it. I bet you can look back on most of your relationships and know what went wrong. But there’s something different about a relationship ending once you’ve lived together. It’s like you’ll never know if it was a compatibility issue, or if it ended because you lived together before marriage. I wondered about this nonstop for about a month and a half. And honestly, I’ll never know. But after months of praying for peace and comfort, I realized something wonderful. I WILL NEVER KNOW. I will never know if we would still be together if we hadn’t moved in together. I will never know if that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, or one of the best choices I ever made. Because here’s the thing…while I don’t recommend anyone to live together before marriage (and would never do it again), I don’t regret it anymore. I’m not embarrassed about it like I used to be. I don’t let the “I told you so”s bring me shame. Because I know, now, that it doesn’t matter if I did anything different. I am exactly where I need to be and who cares what I had to go through or experience to get here. I wouldn’t do anything differently, BECAUSE, I’m in a much better place now…but I also remember the pain my heart felt for such a long time. And it would have been nice to spare that if I could.
I believe that there are other steps you can take instead of moving in together. I believe that more blessings will come from being patient than cohabitation. I believe that we have maybe four to six years to “date” someone before we marry them, and that we don’t place enough importance on those years. I believe that we’ll spend the rest of our lives reminiscing on how wonderful those four to six years were, when we were young, reckless, and crazy in love.
truthaboutyourtwentysomethings 